Superman Goes To A Brothel
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Superman still does not know how to act like a human and thinks he can get beef bourguignon in a brothel. He goes to one with disastrous consequences. Contains: blood, poop and a brothel.


Superman was hungry after recovering from the incident with the toilet. He has heard there was a new food joint that had opened nearby called a brothel. He hadn't seen a menu yet but from what he'd heard from other people the service was impeccable and there were many tasty dishes. He thought that they may do his favorite food - beef bourguignon - because it was a sort of brothy type food with chunks of rancid meat anyway. He had heard that the waitresses expected large tips and everything was expensive, but he didn't care. If it tasted good and left him coming back for more it was worth it. He put on his clothes and went to get his lunch. He took a doggie bag with him in case he couldn't finish the sixtieth portion.

On arriving at the seedy downtown place he was surprised to find it was not open during the day. How much business could they expect to do at 1am? Maybe it was a cultural thing that humans did that he didn't understand yet, so he went and played ball in the park for seventeen hours until it was time for the place to open. When 1am rolled around he had to say goodbye to the black basketball players and the hobos and he went to back to get some beef bourguignon. He was now extremely hungry and thought that he could probably eat seventy portions without experiencing another monolithic crap like he did last time (for more information please read Superman vs. the Toilet). He thought the name of the place was a bit odd. Who calls a fast food joint 'Pleasant Butts'!? It must be ANOTHER human cultural thing.

The doorman looked him up and down curiously and wondered why a man dressed as Superman wanted to come into an illegal brothel, but he shrugged his shoulders and let him in. They weren't paying the doorman very well so he was very lax. He went in and surprisingly could not smell or see the food. There was no food counter. Or tables. But there was a woman dressed like an old-timey waitress with a very short skirt. He went over and tried to order beef bourguignon. The lady gave him a weird look and replied, "What? We don't got nobody by that stage name, dude!" Superman looked really confused now, "It's food! You serve food right?" The woman thought he was using code because he knew the brothel was illegal and didn't want to be caught by the cops. She thanked him for his discretion and replied "Oh you mean do we serve dishes! Yes, of course we serve dishes! Some bigger than others. Why don't you take a walk over to the 'counter'..." She gestured to the stage, "...and take a look what's on offer today?" Superman shook her hand and grinned widely as he was finally going to get fed. He ran to the stage and waited for the food to be served.

The counter was a bit weird. It was too low for food to be served on and it was decorated with indecent pictures of women. Maybe it was a Japanese restaurant! He knew the Japanese sometimes ate sushi off of live naked women. This would be awkward as he did not know how they could possibly serve beef bourguignon on a naked lady... All of a sudden the music started and almost deafened him with pathetic and seedy club rap music. Some women and a man came onto the stage...but they were not carrying food. Superman got scared as they were only wearing panties and NOTHING ELSE! He panicked for a while until reasoning kicked in - maybe he got to see how clean the people were before eating food off of them?

Still not understanding physical human attraction he chose the woman who looked like she needed the cash the most. She was thin and had broken teeth and had straggly dyed blonde hair and looked as if she hadn't eaten a proper meal in ages. He made a note to tip her generously so she could buy some food later. He pointed at her and said to the waitress lady, "I'll eat off of this one. That is what you do here right? Serve food using people as tables?" The Mexican waitress got a smile on her face and nodded whilst raising her eyebrows. "Why of course, sir. Whatever the customer wants." Her voice was sultry and she snapped her fingers signalling for the blonde to lead him into a private room. Superman thought this must be where she would serve him the food.

Once inside the room she asked for the cash up front - $200! Superman was shocked at how pricey the establishment was but he was SOOOO hungry he didn't care and seventy beef bourguignons probably cost more elsewhere anyway, so maybe it wasn't so bad. He paid the money and gave her the tip up front as well as he thought this was human tradition. Her glazed blue eyes went wide at the sight of a $100 bill as a tip. She grabbed him and kissed him like a lunatic and tried to forced him down onto the bed which he had not noticed in the middle of the room. However Superman was The Man Of Steel and would not let the woman force him onto the bed, so she just stood there trying to push him over for five minutes. "Excuse me" he said, "Aren't you going to lie down so I can eat?" She got a surprised and happy look on her face and kissed him again, "Sure I can, sir. I'd like that..." And she lay down, ripped her thong off and spread her legs.

Superman knelt down at her side and...waited. He was so confused about where the food would come from as it could not come out of her ass. She blinked at him, "What are ya waitin for sugar?" He explained "I'm waiting for the food". She pointed between her thighs "Oh...it's down there honey." And so Superman went to the area between her thighs and looked with his lazer vision. He saw no food inside her lady area or inside her asshole. She could sense he was nervous and stroked his head, "Go on...do you need me to tell you what to do?" He nodded as he was confused and hungry, "Well, sugar you just imagine that I'm a popsicle and eat me!" Thinking that this was weird but not wanting to disrespect the woman or her culture he chomped down hard on something.

The woman jumped in absolute pain and fear as poop jet-diarrhead out of her and shot her upwards to the ceiling. Superman started to drown as blood also spurted into his face from where he had savaged her lady area. He tried to pull away but her knees closed like a mousetrap around his head and started knocking him unconscious as well as pulling him upwards towards her anus where the poop was coming out in force. Thankfully the Man Of Steel was too powerful for this and he broke her leg to aid his escape. It came detached in a shower of gore and shit. Whatever was going on in this strange place he knew he had to get away as fast as possible before the cops came and arrested him for whatever had just happened. He would need to become Clark Kent, strip to his boxers and blend in with the other male whores. He ignored her screams and decided to run into the next room. He knew the woman's screams were attracting attention as he could already hear naked feet running down the hall. He changed in a shower cubicle, put on his nerdy glasses and stripped to his ace of hearts underwear. The shit covered Superman outfit was discarded in the toilet, but it blocked it and shit started to seep into the room at alarming speed. The whole building was about to be infected with dysentry!

He ran down the hallway against the crowd, hollering "There's been a murder!" until he exited the building alone, hungry and unsatisfied. Batman had just arrived with the cops and Clark Kent just walked past after telling Batman that someone had murdered a whore inside. He walked a few blocks before entering a McDonalds to find beef bourguignon.

He was later arrested by Batman for public indecency as he was only wearing underpants and some women got offended.

The end.


End file.
